A moment in my shoes

Hello friends

Hope all is well with you

So as you guys know, I started my new job at the end of January with Starbucks and it's a completely different experience then when I was in the Army. Yesterday was a perfect example of that.

this is actually a picture of my store

I went in to work shortly before noon, I still can't get out of the habit of being at least 15 minutes early even though I can't start until right at whatever time my shift starts, got my tea, and went into the back to put on my apron and everything. Oh, I got my new aprons back finally. The only difference is I have a little American flag, my name, and Army veteran stitched on the front. Everyone else's is just a plain apron with a little metal name tag. Everything was working alright, well as alright as things can be when you're thrown on the front counter for the first time without help. Everywhere else I've worked in the store I've had someone shadowing me and being there when I have questions.... not so much yesterday. We were understaffed and low on product, waiting for the delivery truck which didn't come until after 4 p.m.

I only made two errors when inputting the drinks into the computer, but surprisingly that was it. I am quite proud of myself and I even got pretty quick on inputting some of the orders. I did have to ask for help occasionally and some of the girls were really helpful and patient about it. The only one who wasn't was just having a bad day and was stressing so I didn't really hold it against her every time she snapped at me. She later apologized, even after I told her not to worry about it, insisted that it was something that needed to be apologized for. I let her have it.

Although I was only officially diagnosed  with fibromyalgia last year, that say that it started after basic training when I didn't receive the proper care that I should have. Not a surprise. I've dealt with the pain and discomfort for over 5.5 years with minimal medication because with Army ATC, you couldn't take much medication. Even though I have been a civilian for over a month now, I still don't take medication as much as I need too. There is one medication that I take daily, without fail, and that's my acid reflux medication... because without it I can't function well. I take my allergy medication when I can't breathe or stop sneezing, but otherwise I don't take medication like I should. Partially because I have a high pain tolerance and partially because I just forget to take it.... thanks Army for making that one possible... sarcasm implied.

Like I mentioned, we were a little understaffed yesterday and I came in when it was busy, so I didn't get my 10 minute break when I was supposed to. I didn't mention it for an hour because we were busy and I needed to get a bunch of stuff done for our store to run smoothly.... and every time I wanted to, customers would come in. Plus, this is my first day not being in training... I don't really think I have much to complain about.

I was very open with my manager about why I was medically retired from the Army during my interview. My mother told me that all I needed to say was I completed my contract and decided to get out, no one needed to know that I was medically retired. My manager was very understanding about everything, so I made sure that she was aware that I do suffer from a chronic pain disorder, but I do my best to not let it stop me. So about an hour and a half after my scheduled break was missed, I asked my shift leader if I could take my 10 minute break. My left leg was killing me and it was incredibly painful to put any weight on it. It was a mix of a sharp stabbing pain when I put my weight on my leg and a consistent throbbing pain when I didn't. I just needed to sit down for a few minutes and relax. I completed the tasks that my shift leader asked me too and I was allowed on my break and thought nothing of it.

Until later on. My manger had called the shift leaders in for a meeting and I tried my best not to pay attention to their discussion while they were using my manager. I even went and helped my pregnant coworker clean up a mess she accidentally made because I didn't want her moving the mini fridge (she is 3 weeks from giving birth). When they walked over, they were discussing some new system my manager was putting in place and revolved around breaks. She had made a comment about how people can suck it up if they don't get a break because we're busy because her and the shift leaders often miss breaks so we can have our breaks, and how some baristas think their job is so hard. This caught my attention. I was wondering if she was saying it within my ear shot because I had asked for a break earlier and someone had complained about the new girl asking for a break. This bothered me, but I wasn't going to interrupt their meeting and I had things to do and a mess to assist in cleaning up. But it was eating at me. Was that her subtle way of telling me something without calling me out on it? Or was I reading too much into it?

I talked to my roommate about it while we were making dinner, I didn't get home until 7 pm and her about a half hour later then me. After talking with her, I decided that I wanted to clarify it with my manger incase there was a misunderstanding on either side. I know that she hadn't told anyone else about my chronic pain disorder because she felt that it wasn't their business to know, and I don't want special treatment from anyone or any pity when they find out about this pain... because there are some people that are over sympathetic and it drives me nuts! So I texted her and asked her if I could talk to her today at work about something that was said during my shift.  She has told me from the start that I can always text her if I have any questions or concerns, and texting may be more efficient because she can't always answer a phone call. She finally texted me back asking me to call since we both might have forgotten by the time I worked today. 

I called her and let her know that while I hadn't meant to overhear a conversation, they were using my register and it was kind of inevitable. I told her about the comment and asked her if someone had complained when I asked to take a break today. I told her that I had only asked because of my leg and I wanted to make sure there was no miscommunication amongst her, me, and the shift leaders. Apparently I made her feel bad because of what she said. She had in no way meant that towards me and it was just coincidence that I had asked for a break earlier and that she had made that comment near me. Apparently there are other partners who don't use the downtime between the customer rushes to clean up their stations and then want to ask for a break. She noticed that I always cleaned up after myself, was doing a great job (her words, not mine) on my training, and that I wasn't a problem. She appreciated that I had called to clarify because she didn't want me to stew on it, and told me that if I ever need to sit down for a minute because of my pain, to just let her or a shift leader know, and if there was a problem, to let her know.

I really appreciated that. Firstly, I appreciated the fact that I felt that I could talk to her about a concern like that and feel that she really would take me seriously. That she wouldn't take it as I was just whining and complaining, but that it was something that needed to be addressed. I didn't have that feeling in the Army. They made me feel like I just had to suck it up and move on through it, which is sometimes easier said then done. I do that when I can, but yesterday reached the point that I really just wished that I could cut my leg off below the knee to make the pain stop. Secondly, I just appreciated the fact that she cared. That is another big thing to me. Even though I am one person of about 20 people working in our store, and the newest hire, she actually cared about my wellbeing (and feelings) to clarify the whole coincidence. Thirdly, it was late, after 10 pm that she asked me to call so that way neither one of us forgot today to talk about it. She had just worked a long day at work, unloaded all the stuff that was brought in by the delivery truck, did the inventory, and still made a little time to have a conversation with me about a concern of mine.

She's leaving us in March or May to go work in Raleigh (school and roller derby I think) and I worry that whoever replaces her might not be as understanding. For now though, I do appreciate that I have a manager that does understand. She knows that I won't take advantage of her understanding when I am feeling lazy and don't want to do anything. She knows that I have already demonstrated that I am a hardworking individual, willing to learn as much as I can and still help my coworkers when I can. She knows that I don't complain, whether someone is snapping at me for no reason or I am struggling with what I am learning. This is a lot different from the Army, obviously. There are some things I miss about the Army and some aspects I like better about working in the civilian world. 

I spend every day in some amount of pain, and for the most part it's still manageable thanks to a high pain tolerance and the fact that I couldn't take medication while in the Army. What I consider manageable, some people don't think they could handle it (I've discussed it with old coworkers and friends). This is both a blessing and a curse because now, there are times where I should seek help and don't... times I push myself way past my limit (my last trip to Disney comes to mind where I walked the first half of the day before asking for a wheelchair, and I really shouldn't have walked that much). My leg is still throbbing today and the hardest part is that it's in my shin and ankle, and there isn't much I can do about it, not like I can when it's just my knee.

It's just nice to know that she cares.

Guest Post: Life With MS

Hello dearest readers!

Today I have quite the treat for you!

Chronic illness comes in many different forms and varrying degree's. You guys have heard me talk about Fibromyalgia, since it's what I have been diagnosed with. I want to bring awareness to other chronic and invisible illnesses. They affect more people then you might realize.

Today I want to introduce you to Jacki, my first guest post on this blog. 

I picture Muliple Sclerosis as having a whole lot of mice running around in the attic chewing on the electrical wires.  The attic is my brain, and the wires are the myelin sheath around the nerves.  Imagine the results of this; nothing works properly because the electricity isn't getting through. 

I was diagnosed with MS in 2010 after years of running my own business selling succulent plants online. I kept on going with my business, but it just got to be too much with my balance going, dizzy spells, numbness especially in my hands, and no strength.  So, the business had to go, and it found a new home.  I decided to concentrate on my websites and build those into a source of passive income for those times when I just couldn't do anything else.

The visit to my neurologist in February of 2015 was somewhat depressing.  As I was leaving, he told me that in his opinion, I would soon be severely disabled.  Nice news for someone that used to be really active, walking every day and gardening, building things and generally not thinking twice about taking on new projects. 

By the summer, he was right.  I depended totally on my cane, a hand carved twig from our property in the bush.  As the heat got worse, so did my ability to balance, and at times I was reduced to using a walker.  It had a seat and everything, so I could sit and rest and recover my strength.

The stress of nearby wildfires didn't do anything for me either, and the fall was worse than ever.  We had discussions about how we could afford to move somewhere that didn't have steps or rough ground so I could still get around. 

At about that point, I got serious about my diet and decided to follow to a T the Wahls Protocol which is derived from the Paleo diet - everything that our ancestors would have hunted and gathered. This means no wheat (which I hadn't been eating anyway, since about 2009), no sugar, no caffeine, no dairy.  Some of it's been so hard, for a person who loves cheese. 

I also take several supplements to help my poor beleagured brain recover, like Omega 3, Bromelain, CoQ10, and probiotics.  I've just started taking Vital Greens, which is a herbal tincture containing many phytosterols. The difference is amazing.  I now feel almost back to normal, even recovering my ability to touch type, which was devastating to me when I lost it.

In time, I may still become completely disabled, but for now, the benefits of a strict diet are clear; I won't be backsliding any more; no chocolate, no cheesecake, no candy, and no coffee, only lots of vegetables, fresh or raw, and meat, cashew or coconut milk, and as simple as I can make it.

I realize that this kind of diet probably won't work for everyone, but in my case, those were obviously the things that my body didn't like and it triggered an immune response that did a lot of damage.  I'm not cured, and most likely will have to watch this for the rest of my life, but it's about quality, not quantity. 

Thank you Jacki for sharing your story with us. Personally, I don't know much about MS personally, but I have known one or two people who suffered from it. 

I've been living in rural areas for years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how much is going on around me; birds seeking out insects and seeds to eat, a bobcat wandering through, snakes and lizards, frogs and butterflies.  I've made my garden and surrounding areas into a wildlife sanctuary.

As a Certified Horticulturist and webmaster of six sites all about the plants, the gardens and the house,   there is no end to the interesting stuff that goes on.

Camp Cammidge is where it all happens;

The succulents; www.drought-smart-plants.com

Rustic Garden Art; www.bluefoxfarm.com

Rustic Home Decor; www.my-trash-to-treasure-life.com

E-courses and E-Books all about gardening; www.xeria.ca

Organic Vegetable Gardening; www.o-garden.ca

Building our tiny house was an experience too;  find out more about it here; www.nofrillsbuild.ca

Jacki Cammidge, Woman of Many Sticks

Hopefully I will have more guest posts for you all in the coming months as part of my 2016 goals!

Disney Trip 2015 Part 1

Hello dearest friends! 

Today I wanted to share a three post story with you about my trip to Disney World earlier this week!

Note: Most pictures were taken are property of J.L. McClure Photography, which is my photography business. If they aren't my pictures, then it's noted below the photo.

So I rented a car on Tuesday morning (because mine is still not here) and spent the day driving down to my parents house in Florida! It's a 10 hour drive for anyone who is curious. It was a long day. I left around 0830 and made it home just after 1830 (6:30 pm), just in time for dinner. Once I got closer to home on US 19 I hit the rush hour traffic, which made my trip longer then expected. My brother was awesome once I got home and made some quesadilla's for dinner! 

I met the newest addition to the family: Finley. A month or so ago our Golden Retriever passed away, and our small dog Fergus was lonely. He and Lady had been friends since I deployed in 2011, and they were inseperable, despite the massive size difference. Apparently he was pretty lost, so my parents decided to rescue another smaller dog from the pound, and that's how they got Finley. He's an interesting little dog, a little spastic sometimes. It's taking a little time to get used to because we had Lady since I was in middle school, but he's alright (as long as you don't leave him with electronics or paper towels)

This photo was taken by my father and isn't my property.

There was a main purpose for this trip though, and that was for Lindsay and I to make a single day trip to Walt Disney World for the Candlelight Processional on Wednesday. When we were in high school, we used to have to participate in the Processional, so we wanted to see it from the audience point of view. It was a blast!

This is us from 2011 before I deployed to Afghanistan taken by a dear friend of ours, Silent G Photography.

We left a little bit later then we originally planned, but that is because we had to run by Joann's to get my mom her own Canon Selphy printer and then Starbucks for a Butterbeer Frappacino (Lindsay never had one.... yet another convert)

The first thing we did when we got to Walt Disney World was go in search of their military resort, Shades of Green. It caters solely to the Military and their families! We parked in their parking garage and then went inside to purchase tickets. The cool thing was that we got a 1 Day park hopper pass for much cheaper with my military discount. It was well worth it since originally we were only going to Epcot. It was also right across the street from the Polynesian Resort, where we caught the Monorail to Magic Kingdom to start our adventure.

The first thing that you see once you get off the monorail and get into the park is this gigantic tree right in the heart of Main Street USA. It's a gorgeous tree and I can't imagine how long it took them to set up and decorate. I also love how they have an American Flag flying right there as well.

The memory keeper in me warned Lindsay that we would be taking a LOT of pictures. When we entered the park, there were tons of photographers who worked for Disney that were more then willing to take some pictures for me with my own camera. Had to do the obligatory picture with the castle in the background. Poor Lindsay was being blinded, so it was a good thing that she was wearing sun glasses so she could close her eyes during the pictures. 

This is a better view of the castle as we got closer to it with less people standing in front of it. The photographer in me really needs to learn how to clone people out of pictures!

The first thing that we did was stop on Main Street for some food. We found the Baseball themed restaurant and picked up a hotdog and fries for me and some mini corn dogs for Lindsay. There were no seats so her and I propped up against a small rail fence in front of this piano. While we were eating this gentleman came out and started to play the piano. I just loved the smile I got in this picture of him playing! The reflection was perfect!

Once we ate, we decided the first thing we wanted to see was the new Beauty and the Beast castle that was built in Fantasy Land. It took us a few minutes to get there, but that's ok. This place is AWESOME!!! So what I didn't know was that they made this into a new restaurant. We didn't go inside (obviously, but we did see it from the outside)

This was another gorgeous structure that is newer to the park. So I am really not sure what story this building comes from. It might be from The first Little Mermaid movie, but I am not sure and I am not sure where my map went (yes, I kept them for my December Daily album).

From there she and I talked about how I wanted to get pictures with the characters if possible and she mentioned that Gaston liked to hang out around his Tavern, so we walked that way. I love this little statue that sits in front of the Tavern! We found Gaston but were told he was leaving and would be back at 1530, so we headed on our way to the Little Mermaid ride to kill some time.

Do you recognize these? If you've watched Tangled, they are from the city once Repunzel and Flynn get there to see the floating lanterns. I love the colors and how they popped! Gorgeous area!!!!

From there we went to The Little Mermaid ride! This was done to kill time before we went back to see Gaston. It was nice and cool in the ride and it was fun to sing along with the songs. We're both huge Disney nerds, so of course we knew all the words!

We went back and got in line to see Gaston. This guy played the character PERFECTLY and I was laughing the whole time. I got his signature and then we headed on our way.

We finished up in Tomorrow Land, looking for some Star Wars related things for Lindsay's boyfriend before moving on to the second part of our adventure! We found some awesome merchandise (which I think will be a separate post at another time) and happily made our way back to the monorail.

Of course, it's no normal "adventure" for me without my fibromyalgia kicking me in the face. Since I wasn't driving my Escape and was being rushed the morning I drove to Florida, my cane was left at the apartment in North Carolina (believe me I was kicking myself in the pants for that one). The second problem I had was since the movers took my running shoes all I had to wear were my cowboy boots and some flats. I decided the flats were going to be better for me, but they still caused me all sorts of problems. Walking was a nightmare for me, however if you live with a chronic pain disorder, you learn to just live with it and not let it stop you if possible. I dealt with this when we got to Epcot, which is part 2 of this Disney mini series! So stay tuned!

So this is my life now

Hello Friends

Happy Friday! I hope this post finds you well.

If you've been around here long enough, you'll know that I suffer from chronic illness, something no one can really see, but I feel every day. I don't really talk about it a whole lot, more so here then in my every day life because I feel that no one wants to hear it after a while... they get tired of the complaining and they don't understand how taxing it can be.

I've been playing around with this post in my head for a while, probably since I was in Virginia for 2 weeks in the middle of June. I am a multitasker when it comes to topics that are discussed on this blog, and when I first was diagnosed with my chronic illness (sometimes called invisible illnesses), I didn't know ANYONE else with issues like mine. No one around me understood what was going on, what I was going through, although Mo and my new boss were doing their best to understand to help me out. Since then though, I have found the incredible chronic illness and Spoonie communities to be my haven, my new dearest friends, and people I knew that I could count on for understanding and support because they were going through it all too!

According to the Urban dictionary, a spoonie "is a person living with chronic illness(es) that identifies with Christine Miserandino's Spoon Theory. Spoonies are people that live with chronic illness; theoretically measuring personal daily abilities much as one would measure the proper amount of spoons needed for an event or occasion... sometimes having an abundance, other times coming up short."

In March of this year I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, though they said it goes as far back as 2010. They have me on naproxen and and tylenol, neither of which really helps much. And when things stop helping, I stop taking them. I've tried various things within the realm's of acceptable medication within Aviation standards without being permanently grounded from my job. Now that I am done being ATC (although still in the Army until the VA has determined my disability rating) I have a better chance of getting some help. The hardest part of this is that there are no physical abnormalities that people can see on x-rays or MRI's.... it's all nerve problems.

In July of 2013, I was diagnosed with Gastroesophogeal Reflux Disease (GERD) which is really unpleasant... and is about the only issue I have that can be mostly controlled by medication. They started me on some generic version of Zantac that did absolutely nothing to help me. Her excuse was that she didn't want me on something that I might have to be on for the rest of my life.... which made no sense to me. I used to pop Tums like they were candy. So when I moved to Germany and got a new (and more open-minded and friendly flight surgeon) I asked about a change of medication. They moved me to omeprozole, and while I still get nauseous and shaky and my heart rate still sky rockets to 140 something, it's better then it was before.

In December of 2013 I was diagnosed with Anxiety with Adjustment Disorder. While this is a true issue I have, it was done at the wrong time and for the wrong reasons, and it's against Aviation regulations to have an anxiety issue. I somehow managed to convince and Aeromedical Psychologist that I didn't have anxiety, because I've learned to deal with it over the years, but it stayed on my record. It wasn't until I was put into the MEB process that I openly admitted to having anxiety. The military has this group of people called MFLC (Military Family Life Consultant's) that are pretty much psychologists and psychiatrists, the only difference between them and their counterparts in Behavioral Health is that they don't keep any written record of anything. I think the military implemented them because they knew there were people like me that needed help but couldn't or wouldn't go to behavioral health because they didn't want anything documented. People in the Army have a negative association with Behavioral Health... so people don't want to go be seen for them.

I was diagnosed with tension headaches a few weeks ago, but I think it's more then that. I am going to see my doctor on Monday to have a conversation about a few things that have come up medically in the last couple weeks since my return from Virginia.

One thing I did learn (and am irritated with the military about as a whole) is that after my MRI's, the doctor (not my doctor) who gave me my results said there was nothing significant showing in my MRI's... come to find out (thanks to the doctor in Virginia taking another look at my MRI's) I have Thoracic Degenerative Disk Disease (there are disks in the center of my back that are degenerating). They tried to group it with my Fibromyalgia but nerve pain and degenerating disks are two separate things. It is aggravated by my Fibromyalgia, but it is not caused by it. This is after years of extra weight bearing on my back due to ruck marches and body armor.

The list of conditions the VA is evaluating me for for disability is kind of ridiculous and probably only getting longer. Sometimes it is really annoying and difficult being me, especially since no one here understands (those I work with try to understand.... but like I said earlier... they don't really know because they don't have to live with it themselves). My resting hear rate usually sits between 90 to 115.... and that is just when I am sitting on a couch watching tv or reading. I am so thankful to have been introduced and accepted to the amazing spoonie community, to have found other people who understand what I am going through and accept me and support me without question or judgement. 

They understand how hard it can be to go from walking miles without problems to not being able to walk a couple blocks without pain and fatigue. They understand how annoying constant headaches, nausea, and fatigue can be, how no matter how much you wish you could all the things that you used to do, now you just don't have the energy to do half the things you used to. When I was at Bragg, and even before then, I was a very active person. I would go on tons of walks, go hang out with friends, and have no problems. Now I get exhausted easily, and although I push myself past my limits most days (the Army doesn't really do sick days.... especially when they can't see what is wrong with you) and would just rather spend most of my time laying around in bed, watching movies... although at the same time this is really frustrating because I don't like being still for long....

The thing with chronic illnesses is that you never just have one. They are all interconnected it seems and if you have one... you'll have more (even if you don't realize it at first). I currently have several and I am sure that there are more that are undiagnosed at the time. It wouldn't surprise me because I can't win and they are so connected to each other. 

5 Year Recap

Hello friends.

Happy Monday bleh Mondays!

Today is my 5 year mark in the US Army. Just wanted to share a brief recap of my time in the Army thus far

I went to Basic Training in July of 2010 and graduated September 2010. 

It was 9 weeks of craziness and the start of my new life. 

I suffered through what is now known to be the start of my Fibromyalgia with the stress fractured foot and hip, sprained ankle, and busted up knee. I made it through several PT tests, crazy smoke sessions, several field exercises, and a crazy experience with the gas chamber. 

I made some cool friends there that I kept in touch with for a while, but we've all eventually lost touch. Kind of makes me sad because we went through hell together.

Those of us that made it through our last PT test got to go see the Kid Rock concert on 11 September of that year, he was playing for the troops on base and that was one of the coolest experiences ever!

This picture isn't the best, but the was my family on Family Day, the night before Graduation.

After that I went to Alabama for school training for my MOS from September 2010 until March of 2011. I made some friends here that I still keep in touch with to this day, like the girl pictures here, Kristal. I was with my main group for the first 4 months, and then I got moved to another group. I had 5 teeth removed, for the first time in my life and we liked to hang out in town on our free time. We were bound together by the crazy pace of learning our jobs. I miss these peoples.

This was my unit before we deployed in 2011. The guy in the red shirt was getting ready to leave the unit shortly before we deployed to Afghanistan. Several of these guys became like family to me. In this picture I had just started to get to know everyone. I wasn't supposed to be at the motor pool that day, hence the red beret and not the patrol cap like everyone else. I arrived there in March of 2011 and we deployed in September of the same year.

This was my platoon on deployment, September of 2011 until 2012. We were a very close group of crazy people. We went through the most crazy amount of incoming rounds together, a vehicle born IED that shook the whole base, a crashed C-17, and lots of time spent at the MWR just hanging out. This was the longest year of my life, the start of my blogging adventure, and where I started crafting again thanks for a need for something to do. I was promoted to specialist while deployed.

This was my first unit again a year or so after deployment. This was on the last day of  a field training exercise we did near base. Most of this group was who deployed together, although there were some new faces, but we were like family. I was really sad to leave this group of controllers and maintainers. I spent about three years with this group in total, and I miss them all the time. I miss the real Army, I miss the tactical life, I miss being treated like an adult.

This is my current unit, here in Germany, just not the same chain of command that I started with. For the first almost year, I was quite miserable at work. I was treated no different then a private straight out of the school house, despite my time in service and my experience. It wasn't until I moved to my new section that life got any better on the work aspect. I had always dreamed of going to Germany, part of the reason that I joined the military, I just expected it to be different then how it has turned out. I've made some new friends that I hope to keep in touch with throughout the future.

A lot has happened in 5 years.... I went to Basic training, went to AIT, was engaged for over a year thanks to a deployment, deployed to a base in the middle of a dust bowl where we were constantly under attack, started college classes, went back to the States, and ended that toxic engagement, started my love of tattoos, learned to cook, owned my first car, my first apartment, and my first dog, moved to another foreign country, and here we are. I've seen castles and history from World War II, I've met a female veteran from the same war, joined my local VFW, started learning parts of another language, started my photography business, was finally diagnosed with Fibro, rode on a C-17 from Germany to the States for a Christmas adventure, went to Oktoberfest and several Christmas markets, met some awesome Peace Greeters, and made some new friends. 

Most of my friends from high school had graduated college last year and were starting a new chapter in their lives, and this is all I have known my entire adult life. My experience with college is online 8 week classes, working 8 sometimes 17 hour days at the same time. All my friends are married and having babies and I am just waiting to be able to go home and be a civilian again.