"I Love" Sunday's v.70

Hello dearest Dreamers!!!

I hope this post finds you well.

I know that it has been a while since I've been on the blog, and there really isn't much of an excuse other then my fibromyalgia has been kicking me in the butt. I am going to cover the last two weeks for things that I love since I've been absent.

** We had another show on the 20th, this time in Wilmington. It was at a small hole in the wall pub and there was a small crowd. I am still really proud of the guys and how they handled the evening (it was kind of a nightmare) and they did a great job. I got some great pictures, which you can check out here.

** For these last two weeks, I've done my best to bring in lunch for Lee and I on days that we're both available. It's nice to spend the time together and not spend extra money. It's been as simple as soup and ramen and we've also had taquito's, left overs from the night before, and sometimes I just show up and hang out with him on his break.

** I finally got my desk area set up a little better, and I am loving it! I picked up a converter cable to connect my extra monitor to my laptop so I can better multitask. It makes editing photos a lot easier as well as listen/watch videos while I am working on other things. It's also been super helpful while working on my scrap journal this week. I'm really excited to have a better workspace, and there is a blog post or video coming up on my desk here soon!

** I had my first two group therapy appointments with the VA and I am kind of digging it. It's nice to be around other women veterans with similar issues to me and have things to talk about. Sadly they only meet Thursday mornings and throughout all of June I will be at class during these appointments. Thankfully she is going to make sure she has extra handouts from the sessions available for me to pick up after school every week. 

** Speaking of school stuff, I had a meeting with the Veterans Assistance lady through Fort Bragg and she actually told us a bunch of useful information. This prompted me to go get my student ID, my parking permit, I am going to get my school books tomorrow, I also got into my school email and have been in touch with my Math teacher already,w which has been super helpful. 

** We finally got Lee a dresser for his clothes, which has been a huge help because the drawers in the dresser that Amy gave me aren't deep enough for us to continue sharing a single dresser. It was delivered on the 20th and he couldn't be more stoked. I am pretty excited for him to have his own space as well. It's actually part of the set that matches the bed and my nightstand. I was definitely kicking myself for not picking up the dresser in the first place.

** We had a family fun night this past Wednesday. We decided to go to the local skating rink and we had an absolute blast. Mem fell the most out of us all, Lee only fell once for someone who hasn't skated ever, and I managed to stay on my feet the whole time. Amy used to figure skate so she was showing off the whole time. We had a great time though and we made the decision to make Wednesday's family night.

**  Friday was my friend's birthday party. We all went out to dinner and we had a blast. Nugget is one of my favorite people at work and we spent the whole night laughing and being silly.

** Lee and I actually got to spend the whole weekend together, which we've only done probably one other time.

** We spent Saturday in Raleigh together. We had to take our friend to the airport, so we decided to spend part of the day there. Lee got to go to his favorite drum shop, introduced him to Steak and Shake as well as Sam Ash, and we also went to Guitar Center. I took him to Steak and Shake and he loved it and we also went to their Micheal's. It was just nice to spend the day together doing stuff. We also watched Zootopia yesterday evening. And we both called our parents ((hi Mom))

** Today has been a very lazy day for us both. We left long enough to go to Walmart for some hygiene stuff (I've had this cold sore for about a week and it's annoying me) and check out Hot Topic's Memorial Day sale. He also took me to our Michaels to look for some new alpha stickers. I've spent a good portion of the day working on my scrap journal. He's played his current favorite video game for most of the day. It's been nice to spend the day together doing nothing, in our pajama's.

.: Little Loves :.

|| Oreo Milkshakes | our friends | Mountain Dew Pitch Black | Papermate Flair pens | YouTube | planning | making dinner ||

What are you loving from this past week or two?

A moment in my shoes

Hello friends

Hope all is well with you

So as you guys know, I started my new job at the end of January with Starbucks and it's a completely different experience then when I was in the Army. Yesterday was a perfect example of that.

this is actually a picture of my store

I went in to work shortly before noon, I still can't get out of the habit of being at least 15 minutes early even though I can't start until right at whatever time my shift starts, got my tea, and went into the back to put on my apron and everything. Oh, I got my new aprons back finally. The only difference is I have a little American flag, my name, and Army veteran stitched on the front. Everyone else's is just a plain apron with a little metal name tag. Everything was working alright, well as alright as things can be when you're thrown on the front counter for the first time without help. Everywhere else I've worked in the store I've had someone shadowing me and being there when I have questions.... not so much yesterday. We were understaffed and low on product, waiting for the delivery truck which didn't come until after 4 p.m.

I only made two errors when inputting the drinks into the computer, but surprisingly that was it. I am quite proud of myself and I even got pretty quick on inputting some of the orders. I did have to ask for help occasionally and some of the girls were really helpful and patient about it. The only one who wasn't was just having a bad day and was stressing so I didn't really hold it against her every time she snapped at me. She later apologized, even after I told her not to worry about it, insisted that it was something that needed to be apologized for. I let her have it.

Although I was only officially diagnosed  with fibromyalgia last year, that say that it started after basic training when I didn't receive the proper care that I should have. Not a surprise. I've dealt with the pain and discomfort for over 5.5 years with minimal medication because with Army ATC, you couldn't take much medication. Even though I have been a civilian for over a month now, I still don't take medication as much as I need too. There is one medication that I take daily, without fail, and that's my acid reflux medication... because without it I can't function well. I take my allergy medication when I can't breathe or stop sneezing, but otherwise I don't take medication like I should. Partially because I have a high pain tolerance and partially because I just forget to take it.... thanks Army for making that one possible... sarcasm implied.

Like I mentioned, we were a little understaffed yesterday and I came in when it was busy, so I didn't get my 10 minute break when I was supposed to. I didn't mention it for an hour because we were busy and I needed to get a bunch of stuff done for our store to run smoothly.... and every time I wanted to, customers would come in. Plus, this is my first day not being in training... I don't really think I have much to complain about.

I was very open with my manager about why I was medically retired from the Army during my interview. My mother told me that all I needed to say was I completed my contract and decided to get out, no one needed to know that I was medically retired. My manager was very understanding about everything, so I made sure that she was aware that I do suffer from a chronic pain disorder, but I do my best to not let it stop me. So about an hour and a half after my scheduled break was missed, I asked my shift leader if I could take my 10 minute break. My left leg was killing me and it was incredibly painful to put any weight on it. It was a mix of a sharp stabbing pain when I put my weight on my leg and a consistent throbbing pain when I didn't. I just needed to sit down for a few minutes and relax. I completed the tasks that my shift leader asked me too and I was allowed on my break and thought nothing of it.

Until later on. My manger had called the shift leaders in for a meeting and I tried my best not to pay attention to their discussion while they were using my manager. I even went and helped my pregnant coworker clean up a mess she accidentally made because I didn't want her moving the mini fridge (she is 3 weeks from giving birth). When they walked over, they were discussing some new system my manager was putting in place and revolved around breaks. She had made a comment about how people can suck it up if they don't get a break because we're busy because her and the shift leaders often miss breaks so we can have our breaks, and how some baristas think their job is so hard. This caught my attention. I was wondering if she was saying it within my ear shot because I had asked for a break earlier and someone had complained about the new girl asking for a break. This bothered me, but I wasn't going to interrupt their meeting and I had things to do and a mess to assist in cleaning up. But it was eating at me. Was that her subtle way of telling me something without calling me out on it? Or was I reading too much into it?

I talked to my roommate about it while we were making dinner, I didn't get home until 7 pm and her about a half hour later then me. After talking with her, I decided that I wanted to clarify it with my manger incase there was a misunderstanding on either side. I know that she hadn't told anyone else about my chronic pain disorder because she felt that it wasn't their business to know, and I don't want special treatment from anyone or any pity when they find out about this pain... because there are some people that are over sympathetic and it drives me nuts! So I texted her and asked her if I could talk to her today at work about something that was said during my shift.  She has told me from the start that I can always text her if I have any questions or concerns, and texting may be more efficient because she can't always answer a phone call. She finally texted me back asking me to call since we both might have forgotten by the time I worked today. 

I called her and let her know that while I hadn't meant to overhear a conversation, they were using my register and it was kind of inevitable. I told her about the comment and asked her if someone had complained when I asked to take a break today. I told her that I had only asked because of my leg and I wanted to make sure there was no miscommunication amongst her, me, and the shift leaders. Apparently I made her feel bad because of what she said. She had in no way meant that towards me and it was just coincidence that I had asked for a break earlier and that she had made that comment near me. Apparently there are other partners who don't use the downtime between the customer rushes to clean up their stations and then want to ask for a break. She noticed that I always cleaned up after myself, was doing a great job (her words, not mine) on my training, and that I wasn't a problem. She appreciated that I had called to clarify because she didn't want me to stew on it, and told me that if I ever need to sit down for a minute because of my pain, to just let her or a shift leader know, and if there was a problem, to let her know.

I really appreciated that. Firstly, I appreciated the fact that I felt that I could talk to her about a concern like that and feel that she really would take me seriously. That she wouldn't take it as I was just whining and complaining, but that it was something that needed to be addressed. I didn't have that feeling in the Army. They made me feel like I just had to suck it up and move on through it, which is sometimes easier said then done. I do that when I can, but yesterday reached the point that I really just wished that I could cut my leg off below the knee to make the pain stop. Secondly, I just appreciated the fact that she cared. That is another big thing to me. Even though I am one person of about 20 people working in our store, and the newest hire, she actually cared about my wellbeing (and feelings) to clarify the whole coincidence. Thirdly, it was late, after 10 pm that she asked me to call so that way neither one of us forgot today to talk about it. She had just worked a long day at work, unloaded all the stuff that was brought in by the delivery truck, did the inventory, and still made a little time to have a conversation with me about a concern of mine.

She's leaving us in March or May to go work in Raleigh (school and roller derby I think) and I worry that whoever replaces her might not be as understanding. For now though, I do appreciate that I have a manager that does understand. She knows that I won't take advantage of her understanding when I am feeling lazy and don't want to do anything. She knows that I have already demonstrated that I am a hardworking individual, willing to learn as much as I can and still help my coworkers when I can. She knows that I don't complain, whether someone is snapping at me for no reason or I am struggling with what I am learning. This is a lot different from the Army, obviously. There are some things I miss about the Army and some aspects I like better about working in the civilian world. 

I spend every day in some amount of pain, and for the most part it's still manageable thanks to a high pain tolerance and the fact that I couldn't take medication while in the Army. What I consider manageable, some people don't think they could handle it (I've discussed it with old coworkers and friends). This is both a blessing and a curse because now, there are times where I should seek help and don't... times I push myself way past my limit (my last trip to Disney comes to mind where I walked the first half of the day before asking for a wheelchair, and I really shouldn't have walked that much). My leg is still throbbing today and the hardest part is that it's in my shin and ankle, and there isn't much I can do about it, not like I can when it's just my knee.

It's just nice to know that she cares.

So this is my life now

Hello Friends

Happy Friday! I hope this post finds you well.

If you've been around here long enough, you'll know that I suffer from chronic illness, something no one can really see, but I feel every day. I don't really talk about it a whole lot, more so here then in my every day life because I feel that no one wants to hear it after a while... they get tired of the complaining and they don't understand how taxing it can be.

I've been playing around with this post in my head for a while, probably since I was in Virginia for 2 weeks in the middle of June. I am a multitasker when it comes to topics that are discussed on this blog, and when I first was diagnosed with my chronic illness (sometimes called invisible illnesses), I didn't know ANYONE else with issues like mine. No one around me understood what was going on, what I was going through, although Mo and my new boss were doing their best to understand to help me out. Since then though, I have found the incredible chronic illness and Spoonie communities to be my haven, my new dearest friends, and people I knew that I could count on for understanding and support because they were going through it all too!

According to the Urban dictionary, a spoonie "is a person living with chronic illness(es) that identifies with Christine Miserandino's Spoon Theory. Spoonies are people that live with chronic illness; theoretically measuring personal daily abilities much as one would measure the proper amount of spoons needed for an event or occasion... sometimes having an abundance, other times coming up short."

In March of this year I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, though they said it goes as far back as 2010. They have me on naproxen and and tylenol, neither of which really helps much. And when things stop helping, I stop taking them. I've tried various things within the realm's of acceptable medication within Aviation standards without being permanently grounded from my job. Now that I am done being ATC (although still in the Army until the VA has determined my disability rating) I have a better chance of getting some help. The hardest part of this is that there are no physical abnormalities that people can see on x-rays or MRI's.... it's all nerve problems.

In July of 2013, I was diagnosed with Gastroesophogeal Reflux Disease (GERD) which is really unpleasant... and is about the only issue I have that can be mostly controlled by medication. They started me on some generic version of Zantac that did absolutely nothing to help me. Her excuse was that she didn't want me on something that I might have to be on for the rest of my life.... which made no sense to me. I used to pop Tums like they were candy. So when I moved to Germany and got a new (and more open-minded and friendly flight surgeon) I asked about a change of medication. They moved me to omeprozole, and while I still get nauseous and shaky and my heart rate still sky rockets to 140 something, it's better then it was before.

In December of 2013 I was diagnosed with Anxiety with Adjustment Disorder. While this is a true issue I have, it was done at the wrong time and for the wrong reasons, and it's against Aviation regulations to have an anxiety issue. I somehow managed to convince and Aeromedical Psychologist that I didn't have anxiety, because I've learned to deal with it over the years, but it stayed on my record. It wasn't until I was put into the MEB process that I openly admitted to having anxiety. The military has this group of people called MFLC (Military Family Life Consultant's) that are pretty much psychologists and psychiatrists, the only difference between them and their counterparts in Behavioral Health is that they don't keep any written record of anything. I think the military implemented them because they knew there were people like me that needed help but couldn't or wouldn't go to behavioral health because they didn't want anything documented. People in the Army have a negative association with Behavioral Health... so people don't want to go be seen for them.

I was diagnosed with tension headaches a few weeks ago, but I think it's more then that. I am going to see my doctor on Monday to have a conversation about a few things that have come up medically in the last couple weeks since my return from Virginia.

One thing I did learn (and am irritated with the military about as a whole) is that after my MRI's, the doctor (not my doctor) who gave me my results said there was nothing significant showing in my MRI's... come to find out (thanks to the doctor in Virginia taking another look at my MRI's) I have Thoracic Degenerative Disk Disease (there are disks in the center of my back that are degenerating). They tried to group it with my Fibromyalgia but nerve pain and degenerating disks are two separate things. It is aggravated by my Fibromyalgia, but it is not caused by it. This is after years of extra weight bearing on my back due to ruck marches and body armor.

The list of conditions the VA is evaluating me for for disability is kind of ridiculous and probably only getting longer. Sometimes it is really annoying and difficult being me, especially since no one here understands (those I work with try to understand.... but like I said earlier... they don't really know because they don't have to live with it themselves). My resting hear rate usually sits between 90 to 115.... and that is just when I am sitting on a couch watching tv or reading. I am so thankful to have been introduced and accepted to the amazing spoonie community, to have found other people who understand what I am going through and accept me and support me without question or judgement. 

They understand how hard it can be to go from walking miles without problems to not being able to walk a couple blocks without pain and fatigue. They understand how annoying constant headaches, nausea, and fatigue can be, how no matter how much you wish you could all the things that you used to do, now you just don't have the energy to do half the things you used to. When I was at Bragg, and even before then, I was a very active person. I would go on tons of walks, go hang out with friends, and have no problems. Now I get exhausted easily, and although I push myself past my limits most days (the Army doesn't really do sick days.... especially when they can't see what is wrong with you) and would just rather spend most of my time laying around in bed, watching movies... although at the same time this is really frustrating because I don't like being still for long....

The thing with chronic illnesses is that you never just have one. They are all interconnected it seems and if you have one... you'll have more (even if you don't realize it at first). I currently have several and I am sure that there are more that are undiagnosed at the time. It wouldn't surprise me because I can't win and they are so connected to each other. 

5 Year Recap

Hello friends.

Happy Monday bleh Mondays!

Today is my 5 year mark in the US Army. Just wanted to share a brief recap of my time in the Army thus far

I went to Basic Training in July of 2010 and graduated September 2010. 

It was 9 weeks of craziness and the start of my new life. 

I suffered through what is now known to be the start of my Fibromyalgia with the stress fractured foot and hip, sprained ankle, and busted up knee. I made it through several PT tests, crazy smoke sessions, several field exercises, and a crazy experience with the gas chamber. 

I made some cool friends there that I kept in touch with for a while, but we've all eventually lost touch. Kind of makes me sad because we went through hell together.

Those of us that made it through our last PT test got to go see the Kid Rock concert on 11 September of that year, he was playing for the troops on base and that was one of the coolest experiences ever!

This picture isn't the best, but the was my family on Family Day, the night before Graduation.

After that I went to Alabama for school training for my MOS from September 2010 until March of 2011. I made some friends here that I still keep in touch with to this day, like the girl pictures here, Kristal. I was with my main group for the first 4 months, and then I got moved to another group. I had 5 teeth removed, for the first time in my life and we liked to hang out in town on our free time. We were bound together by the crazy pace of learning our jobs. I miss these peoples.

This was my unit before we deployed in 2011. The guy in the red shirt was getting ready to leave the unit shortly before we deployed to Afghanistan. Several of these guys became like family to me. In this picture I had just started to get to know everyone. I wasn't supposed to be at the motor pool that day, hence the red beret and not the patrol cap like everyone else. I arrived there in March of 2011 and we deployed in September of the same year.

This was my platoon on deployment, September of 2011 until 2012. We were a very close group of crazy people. We went through the most crazy amount of incoming rounds together, a vehicle born IED that shook the whole base, a crashed C-17, and lots of time spent at the MWR just hanging out. This was the longest year of my life, the start of my blogging adventure, and where I started crafting again thanks for a need for something to do. I was promoted to specialist while deployed.

This was my first unit again a year or so after deployment. This was on the last day of  a field training exercise we did near base. Most of this group was who deployed together, although there were some new faces, but we were like family. I was really sad to leave this group of controllers and maintainers. I spent about three years with this group in total, and I miss them all the time. I miss the real Army, I miss the tactical life, I miss being treated like an adult.

This is my current unit, here in Germany, just not the same chain of command that I started with. For the first almost year, I was quite miserable at work. I was treated no different then a private straight out of the school house, despite my time in service and my experience. It wasn't until I moved to my new section that life got any better on the work aspect. I had always dreamed of going to Germany, part of the reason that I joined the military, I just expected it to be different then how it has turned out. I've made some new friends that I hope to keep in touch with throughout the future.

A lot has happened in 5 years.... I went to Basic training, went to AIT, was engaged for over a year thanks to a deployment, deployed to a base in the middle of a dust bowl where we were constantly under attack, started college classes, went back to the States, and ended that toxic engagement, started my love of tattoos, learned to cook, owned my first car, my first apartment, and my first dog, moved to another foreign country, and here we are. I've seen castles and history from World War II, I've met a female veteran from the same war, joined my local VFW, started learning parts of another language, started my photography business, was finally diagnosed with Fibro, rode on a C-17 from Germany to the States for a Christmas adventure, went to Oktoberfest and several Christmas markets, met some awesome Peace Greeters, and made some new friends. 

Most of my friends from high school had graduated college last year and were starting a new chapter in their lives, and this is all I have known my entire adult life. My experience with college is online 8 week classes, working 8 sometimes 17 hour days at the same time. All my friends are married and having babies and I am just waiting to be able to go home and be a civilian again. 

The Nightmare that was Traveling

Hello friends. Happy Monday.

I hope this email finds you well.

This is me complaining for the moment... but that is pretty much simply because the trip totally sucked,

So I didn't sleep much Friday night/Saturday morning, no matter how hard I tried. I think it was just the nerves of the trip. Anyone who knows me knows how much I dislike flying and avoided it when possible. So I finally gave up on sleeping around 0615 and decided to finish getting ready to go and head down to the lobby to meet everyone else around 0650. We were told that we needed to have our stuff in the vans by like 0755 because we were leaving at 0800, but of course two people were late. I don't know why it's that hard to be on time.... it just infuriates me.

We finally got to the airport around 0900, which was kind of irritating to me. We didn't leave until 1240, but had to be there at there stupid early. We got checked in, dropped off my suitcase, and the lady at the desk was nice enough to give me TSA precheck so I didn't have to remove my shoes, jacket, or take out my electronics. Then three of my friends and I went and sat in a little bistro to kill time. They ate, didn't enjoy it, and then we went to sit at our gate. 

Murch and I both have walking canes, so we were supposed to board first. Instead, the airline people let all the families with children board before us, so Murch and I didn't have a lot of time to get situated before we were bombarded with everyone else. This didn't make me too happy because I don't like being rushed. I use pre-boarding for a specific reason.... but that's whatever. The pilots came over the intercom to tell us that before we left the gate, they had to start one of the engines at the gate because it wouldn't start on it's own..... I'm an Air Traffic Controller and know that that's not right. My only question is why are we using airplanes that have issues (I forget if I told you guys but when we flew from Norfolk to Atlanta, the airplane had a cracked windshield) instead of just switching airplanes to one that is safe. In the Army, these are issues that will ground an aircraft from flight, why is this different in the civilian world?!?!?

Getting through the airport in Atlanta wasn't bad, we made it to the tram thingy right as it arrived, so we didn't have to wait until we got to our gate. This was like a 3 hour wait, but it wasn't bad. I got a snack wrap and fries from McDonalds and this is when I downloaded those games that I talked about yesterday. I also got the gentleman at the counter to switch my window seat to an isle seat, even better, it was a seat where I could stretch out my left leg. This is where the good things ended and things went stupid.

We were stuck sitting on the airplane at the gate for a mix of two short thunderstorms (apparently people don't understand how lightning and severe thunderstorms will ground an entire airport- I wasn't mad about that. I understand that due to my job). The part that irritated me was during the times in between the storms, the crew kept having to load new things onto the airplane, like why wasn't this luggage all put together to be loaded while we were waiting for the thunderstorm to pass? During this wait, the ac wasn't working right, so we were all overheating in the airplane. Once we finally got moving, we then had to wait on the runway for 22 other aircraft to take off in front of us due to the weather delay. This caused another 30 minute delay for our takeoff. 

Once we finally took off, the pilots or crew didn't instill much confidence in me due to their inability to talk in complete sentences. The safety video was like a elementary school child put it together. None of it (outside of the words they were saying made much sense). It actually made my headache hurt worse then it already did. I started watching The Book of Life (for the second time) but then they had to restart the entertainment center because it wasn't working properly and the system does NOT have a functioning fast forward button, I basically just had to re-watch over half the movie again to get back to where I left off. The internet wasn't working right until about 4 hours into the flight (which I was planning on using to ease my nerves from flying and my irritation with how this flight was going- if I am going to pay hundreds of dollars for this ticket (for a trip the Army is making me take) then the stuff that I pay for better freaking work!

This pilot was worried about turbulence two separate times that he stopped the food and drink service right before they got to me. And we didn't even hit any turbulence! The food was meh (don't expect much from airplane food), but at least it was something to help settle my acid reflux (which was acting up because of the nerves). I managed to sleep for 2 hrs and 10 minutes during this 8 hour flight (I wear a LifeTrak watch that tracks see, heart rate, steps taken, miles walked, and it can track workouts too (but I haven't figured that one out yet). I rarely sleep on airplanes, especially when I'm irritated, in pain, and my nerves are fried. 

We were two hours late landing in Frankfurt airport, then we had to go through Customs and then wait 30 minutes for our bags to make it out at baggage claim. One of the guys in my group was taking a train too, so we had to go try to get new train tickets, since we missed our trains. We had to go to 3 separate places before we found the right place to pick up our new tickets, which cost me another 63 euro (on top of the 35 Euro that I already paid for my first ticket) and sent my heart rate sky rocketing to 165. I was not happy!

Thankfully everything was smooth after that. Mo picked me up from the train station in Stuttgart and we went to get lunch. We hung out for a while after that, me trying to wake up enough to drive back to my base. He had to work today and I didn't, so I decided to head home. I didn't leave until around 2200- which was later then I intended. I made it home just after midnight and went to bed after 0200 this morning. 

Thankfully I slept more today then I have in quite a while (including after my trip to Busch Gardens last weekend). I woke up for an hour and a half this morning around 0800, and then fell asleep again. Needless to say, my back is on fire, my entire left leg is throbbing, my right hip is fighting me to cooperate properly, and my head is throbbing. I've spent most of the day hiding in my room with no lights other then my television or cell phone. It's hard to move today. 

For once I actually look as miserable as I feel.

I got called into work shortly after I woke up finally because I had to sign some paperwork. This meant I had to drive to work, which is not something my body was happy about. Once I got to work everyone wanted to ask about my trip and if I knew anything yet about the process of my VA claim.... I didn't want to talk about it because I was in pain, but I was polite. I checked my email briefly (to find the paperwork that I needed to re-sign for the 4th time) and I had 121 emails to go through. That's for tomorrow though, I am not dealing with that today. I tried to send an email out and since there were two ID cards in the computer, when I thought I was putting in the password to my card, it was actually to the other card and my coworkers ID card got locked out (for which I feel really horrible! It's a pain in the ass to get the cards unlocked).

The highlight of my day today was getting my Find Your Voice kit from Kristin for the workshop starting Wednesday as well as my Marvel Collectors Corps box. It was themed Ant-Man.

a variant cover for comic #5, an Ant-man t-shirt, a collectors pin and patch, two mini bobble head figures, and a Funko Ant -man with a real sized Ant-man figure included. I love how these subscription boxes are themed, but they only come once every two months. I wish they came more often.

The Find Your Voice 2015 main kit with a currently stamp set, extra Currently cards,  a number stamp set, and the relationship stamp set. Can't wait to play with all these pretty things for the workshop

Needless to say I've literally had a killer headache ALL day long on top of the other pain I'm in, which has not put me in a good mood. It's a good thing that my contact with the outside world was limited for face-to-face contact and my online contact was with people I wanted to be in contact with.  I have to work nights this week (only 2, possibly 3 nights) before we have a 4 day weekend for 4th of July, and then we don't have flights again until August- thanks to block leave starting a few days after the 4 day and lasting until almost the end of July.

That is the end of my rant. Honestly the trip probably wouldn't have been as bad were I not in as much pain, if I had slept more and wasn't completely exhausted, if my stress level hadn't gone through the roof, and everything didn't hurt. Oh well. I thankfully will only have to make that trip one more time, and that is when I leave Germany for good. It'll be a one way trip, that will be fantastic!!

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend. I am going to try to make myself stay up a little longer to get into a type of schedule for this week.

"I Love" Sunday's v.33

Hello friends.

Happy Sunday! I hope you're all having a good weekend

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!

** I shared with you guys my trip so far on Thursday. My room is pretty awesome and the people I am here with aren't half bad. It's nice to be with a group of people going through the same thing to make this process easier. I'm usually on my own in my broken-ness.... but now there are 14 other people going through the same thing. They all understand what I am going through and they all understand that when I say I'm ok, that it means that the term ok is relative to my life, that I am in some kind of pain.  I got asked all on Friday why I was carrying a backpack if I have back pain and someone else with a  cane understood that no matter how bad my back hurts, I have to carry a backpack because with the cane I only have one hand to carry everything I need for that day- which includes my paperwork, my drink, my medication, cellphone, wallet, and tablet (because I've been waiting over 2 hours for my appointment since we go in groups). It's nice to have someone else understand.

** The Hampton VA is a nice hospital and the people that work there are really nice. I've gotten to meet quite a few awesome veterans from different conflicts while I've been sitting around waiting for my appointments. I spent most of Thursday and Friday there for a hearing appointment for my Tinnitus and then for my General Medical examination. My Tinnitus appointment literally took 5 minutes, because there isn't really a way to test for tinnitus. She just asked me about my tinnitus, how often it occurs, if it hurts, or anything like that. My gen med appointment took about 2.5 hours. The doctor asked me a bunch of questions about the things that I am claiming, looked over pst X-Rays/MRI's for supporting evidence, and then worked her best to connect a bunch of issues to my Fibromyalgia and why I am disqualified for my job in the Army, to try to get me a higher percentage. I'll share my adventures next week before I head back to Germany.

** I found these awesome articles on the good of selfies, since people talk a lot of trash about them. Liz from Being Geek Chic shares an article called So I Selfie, So what? and Stephanie from Tottums and her article called In Defense of Selfies. They are both great articles about why selfies are important to both women, and I love what they had to say. They make important points- "So, in defense of my selfies - well, no. I don't feel the need to defend my selfies. My selfies are a constant reminder to me (and to my loved ones) that I'm not just seeing our life together, that I am part of it too." - Stephanie.

** So every night that we're here in the states, we have the option to go out to eat if we want (we get paid per diem for food since this is TDY (temporary duty) and we get a select amount of money each day- I've only eaten out twice so far since we've been here). Friday night myself, a girl named Kim, and a guy who told us to call him Country (his last name is hard to pronounce) went to Olive Garden and we had a great time. We all love their breadsticks! We agreed that the Italian food in Europe tastes different then what we get at Olive Garden, and although we've all been there almost 2 years, we all still prefer Olive Garden (which isn't abnormal). It just has a different taste... and it's home to us! We talked a lot about deployments.

** I don't usually watch TV, I haven't since I lived in my parent's house. I watch Netflix or Apple TV now, but being on this trip, I get to watch TV. I've been introduced to Castle and Rizzoli & Isles! I love both shows and I need to find the shows from the beginning. I've been watching Law and Order in the mornings. This weekend I've also watched Clash of the Titans, Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest, and Olympus Has Fallen as well. 

** I love being able to go to stores like Michaels and Walmart, where I can get the things that I need when I need them. I don't have to wait on shipping. There is a much bigger selection at these stores then any store I have found in Germany yet! It means I get to play with my new watercolor paints, Tim Holtz Distress Markers, and Copic Markers! I am trying new mediums for my crafting.

** Also since being here, I have been more active in my journaling in my Midori! I've written every day about what has been going on and what's been on my mind. I've even been decorating the pages with washi tape and stickers. :) This makes me happy since I haven't had much motivation to craft lately.

**  Starting to put together a better plan of what I want to do when I get out of the military and where I want to go! I am working on plans for my art again, my photography, and where I want to live.

** Been working with Caitlin of Caitlin Powell Designs for a new brand that I am working on launching in the coming months! I am pretty excited and I can't wait to share with you guys!

** Kristin's Find Your Voice workshop opened for pre-registration on Monday! My course kit has shipped and I can't wait to get back to Germany to play with it and prep for this course! I will be guest instagramming for the course in July, which I am also pretty excited about!

.: Little Loves :.

|| Mountain Dew Baja Blast | Reese's Peanut Butter Cups | TNT (the tv channel) | Papa Johns pizza | Sweet tarts | Dr. Pepper | Time Off ||

What are you loving from this past week?

MEB Trip 2015

Hello friends

Happy Thursday!

I hope this post finds you well. This seems like it has been a long week already, and it's not technically over. 

So we landed in Norfolk, VA around 7:30pm and had to wait over an hour because they lost our second van... how do you lose a van? I really don't know. It wasn't until around 10pm that we made it to our hotel in Newport News. I was very glad to get off the airplane and be done traveling because oh my lord I was in so much pain it was retarded. 

This is like the nicest hotel that I have ever stay in, in case anyone wants to know! I'm the only female who has their own room other then one of our escorts because we have an uneven number of females in our group. It's kind of nice because I really need my own personal space and since I am an insomniac, I leave the television on and that bothers people.

Monday was okay, we had to get up early and spent the day at briefings an getting our vision and hearing checked. Yep... my eyes are still getting worse and my hearing is the same. How I have good hearing when I have tinnitus blows my mind, but hey... that's cool.

Tuesday was our MEB Behavioral Health and Doctor visit, which was pretty much a waste of my time. The BH guy said my anxiety wasn't that bad, but I disagree with him. The good news is that whatever the MEB guy says doesn't hold much water in this process, it's all up to the VA to determine our ratings. My MEB doctor here is Asian and has a VERY THICK accent. He even acknowledges that some people might not be able to understand him because his English isn't that good. I didn't have any issues, thanks to some coworkers with Puerto Rican accents, but that is just me. This appointment was also a waste of my time because he just talked to me about the process (which I've already heard 3 times) and he verified what I was being MEB'd for.

Afterwards me and a group of 3 other people walked to the mall (it's across the street from our hotel). One of them, Ski, found these toys that children were riding and he paid to ride it for 20 minutes. Then another girl and I walked through Hot Topic and Old Navy before we walked back to the hotel.

Wednesday was my first day without any appointments. I spent most of the day hanging out in my room watching Rizzoli & Isles, Bones, and Castle! I also walked to Tuesday Mornings and then another 40 minutes (all together) to Michael's and back. I got some awesome new markers that I can't wait to play with!

Today was also a complete waste of my time... but kind of cool at the same time. We had to go to the Hampton VA for several appointments, and we left at 0730 and my appointment wasn't until 1100. I sat around for 2.5 hours for a 5 minute appointment. The doctor wanted to talked about my Tinnitus, which they can't test for. She asked me about how often it occurs, what it's life, and if it hurts. My tinnitus is almost constant, a high pitched noise in my right ear, which sometimes causes a loss of hearing for a few minutes, and it occasionally causes pain in my ear.

The cool part of today was I met a female Vietnam Veteran! I've never met a female Vietnam vet before, so I thought it was awesome. She worked with computers at D.C. before computers were what we know them as today! She was super sweet and we talked about why we were at the VA hospital and our outlooks on life. She let her granddaughter name her cane Charlie and she was impressed with my attitude towards life. She was fun to talk to!

Tomorrow is my general medical appointment at the VA where they determine my range of mobility and my disability rating. Apparently I am supposed to be twisted into a pretzel to determine these things, which I am not looking forward too. After that, my only other appointment is the VA Behavioral Health appointment which is next week! I have all the other days off, so I get to just hang out but maybe go hang out someplace cool.

Now I am going to go back to watching Bones on TNT!

How is your week so far?!?

A Picture and a Thousand(ish) words: Surprising Jordan

Hello friends!

I am joining Meg from Marmalade Mementos for her newest story telling project, A Picture and a Thousand(ish) Words. "Each month, I will be adding an insert into my Project Life album that I’m referring to as “A Picture and A Thousand(ish) Words.” This challenge is pretty much exactly what it sounds like: one photo, and an accompanying story. While I personally will literally be striving for at least the 1000-word mark each month, the overall goal is simply to tell more of the story, whether that ends up being two paragraphs or three pages!  I would love it if you joined me in this storytelling quest!" -Meg

I wanted to use this picture to tell you this week's story!

My youngest sibling is 18 years old (I keep asking myself where the time went because he was just a cute kid who didn't talk much with a goofy little smile). Jordan (my younger brother) graduates high school on this coming Thursday. He and my mom were talking a couple months ago about how he wished that I could be at his graduation, although he understood why that wasn't possible. Her and I were talking about it on and off. It wasn't until after I changed work spaces in April that I even had a chance to take leave to come watch him graduate. Mom and I concocted a plan to surprise him for graduation! We made plans for the last couple of months and never said a word to him about it.

So yesterday I jumped on an airplane and flew from Frankfurt to Washington D.C. and then on to Tampa, where my father came to pick me up. So thanks to traffic Mo and I were a bit late to the airport (it's over 2 hours from where he lives), but we made it in enough time. I got my ticket and we said bye at security. It took me a little while to make it through security and Border Patrol in the airport, but it was kind of helpful to have my cane with me. The flight itself was pretty uneventful (and ridiculously long). I don't like long flights.... I got a window seat (which was nice) but it meant that I didn't get a lot of chances to get up and move around (the people in my row slept a lot), which meant little moving around for me and lots of discomfort. It was an 8 hour and 45 minute flight from Frankfurt to Washington/Dulles airport. I had enough time to watch Hercules (The Rock version), the first two Hobbit movies, and most of the third one. The airplane had wifi so I was still able to talk to people. 

Once I arrived in Washington/Dulles, I had to go through security and customs, which didn't take too long, but still long enough to be a problem for me. Once I got through that, I went to a local counter and asked for a wheelchair. I knew that it would take me a long time to make it around the airport, so I figured a wheelchair would be better. I only brought one backpack and my camera bag with me so that way I didn't have to check bags and wait at baggage claim (plus it's only enough clothes to make it to Thursday afternoon). The only thing is that my other gift to my brother is a laptop (which is kind of heavy) and carrying my backpack started to take it's toll on my back and knee (especially after sitting for so long). Luckily there was a wheelchair nearby and they helped me get to my gate.

While waiting to board my plane I asked the gentleman at the counter if I could get help pre-boarding the aircraft, because it takes me a little while longer. The gentleman was nice enough to upgrade my seat to one with more leg room, get me a wheelchair when I got to Tampa, and get me set-up for assistance on the way back to Germany. The upgrade of seat was free to me. They had to check my bag though because it was too big to fit in these overhead compartments. 

The flight from Washington to Tampa was really uneventful, and sadly there was no sleep to be had for me. I got to Tampa just after 1230 am, where my father was there to pick me up and bring me back to their house. It was nice to briefly catch up with my parents before I crashed on the couch, needing to get some sleep.

So because Germany is 6 hours ahead of the East Coast, my brain decided it was time to wake up at 0445 after just a couple hours of sleep. That was also when my brother had to get up for his last day of high school. He isn't the most aware of his surroundings so it took him a couple of times of walking by me to realize that there was someone on the couch. He originally thought it was our mom, but eventually figured out it was me. SURPRISE!!!

Now onto the search to find a swimsuit for the beach. I need to get some color and balance out the Irish and the Italian in me. If you decide to participate, let me know. People are using blog posts, Project Life, Scrapbooking, and journals to do this project. Share it on Instagram with #1000WordStory!

Make sure to follow my instagram @jennlmcclure91 for more pictures and stories about my trip for his graduation! I got lots planned for this week, and it all starts today. 

Fibromyalgia and the Army

Hello friends!

Happy Wednesday!

 

Last week I shared this post with you about the start of my journey with Fibromyalgia. Today I wanted to add to that by sharing about my experience with Fibromyalgia and the Army.

 

 

 

I'm pretty sure that being in the military has only made the pain worse, and most of my doctors since I have been here in Germany would agree with you. I spent the first 3 years of my time in the Army with the 82nd Airborne Division. Even though we weren't Airborne, we were still held to the same standard. Which meant that we still ran 4-6 miles 3 times a week and did some muscle failure on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The 82nd standard for 4 miles was 36 minutes. I am so not a runner! I was good with short distances, but long distances and I just were never friends. Let me point out that running so much is part of my pain problem. Another 82nd standard was rucking 4 miles (with at least 35lbs) in 1.20 hours and 12 miles in 4 hours. I think this was the hardest part for me. When we came home from deployment, we used to do 4 mile ruck marches every other week, and I seriously struggled with these. Not for lack of wanting to finish it, because the faster I finished it, the faster I was done and could drop my ruck sack. Not only is it hard for me to walk for that long without stopping, but with the added weight, it just makes it worse on my knee and hip.

 

 

 

When I deployed I had to wear my body armor (which weighed about 40 lbs and doesn't sit quite right on the body), carry my ruck sack, duffle bag, and assualt pack all at once. I then had to wear my body armor and helmet every day to and from work, sometimes during work, and anyone who knows me knows that I trip over flat surfaces and thin air when it's just my own body weight. Needless to say, that made my pain worse after that year.

 

It wasn't until I came to Germany that I had a doctor that didn't believe that the pain was just in my head. Anyone who is in the 82nd and complains of knee pain without a glaring physical abnormality is faking it because they don't want to run. I could understand thinking that way because some people actually did this, but I honestly had an honest problem. I didn't get the help I needed until 4 years after it had started.

 

The thing with the military is that you have to be ready to deploy at a moments notice, especially in divisions like the 82nd, 101st, 3rd ID, and 10th Mountain. The problem for me is that I am no longer deployable. I can't wear my body armor, I can't carry my gear, and I can't do my job as an Air Traffic Controller. I can't quickly climb up and down stairs, I can't sit or stand for too long, and I have to take medication. Those three things disqualify me from being an Air Traffic Controller with the US Army. Being ATC in the Army means we have strict medical standards to follow, standards that are more strict then most of the Army. I can't take more then 200 mg of ibeprofen without a prescription, can't take allergy medication without a prescription, I can't even see a doctor that isn't my primary care manager without being a long process. I can't even have eczema (a skin condition) without a waiver! I have "Flight physicals" every year to check our overall health, hearing, vision, have labs done, and whatever else. Every 5 years (so on the ages ending in 5 and 0) we have "long flight physicals" where you have to fast and they draw a lot of blood and run even more tests, and the 4 in between are "short physicals" where they don't do as much testing.

 

I spent several years just living with the pain so I could continue to do my job. I suffered with the incomnia and discomfort of chronic pain just so I could continue doing a job that I really liked. However, I found out earlier this year, that Fibromyalgia permanently disqualifies me from being an Air Traffic Controller and can also medically discharge or retire me from the Army. Once I found this out, I went to see my doctor about the insomnia and anxiety because since I was going to already be medically disqualified, might as well finally get help for all of it. My old boss didn't like that one single bit. So now I am going through an MEB (Medical Evaluation Board) to determine whether or not I will stay in the Army or be discharged (most likely discharged) and whether or not it's just a medical discharge or medical retirement.

 

 

 

I've recently had several conversations with my CSM who likes to tell me that I am too young to just give up. I tell him that I've accepted that I have this illness and just have to learn how to adapt my life around having it, because it's not going away any time soon. He thinks that is me just giving up because I've accepted that I have this, but when I had the same conversation with my counselor, she says that it's not giving up, but it's showing strength because I am not letting it beat me, I'm not letting it get the best of me. I do my best not to let it get me depressed, because it would be so easy to let it do that, or let it make me mad all the time, but what good would it do me to be either of those? It would do me no good, just make my situation worse then it already is. I have to learn how to function throughout my life with this, learn how to function like I did before I had this, and not let it stop me. Just because I can't be in the military anymore due to the limitations on my ability to be active and because of the medication that I have to start taking, doesn't mean I am going to let it stop me from doing other things. I won't let it stop me from going to school or running my own business, even though sometimes both of those things can be difficult. I just won't let it stop me from living a normal life. Just gotta learn to adapt.

 

The hard part about Fibromyalgia is that since you can't physically see what is wrong, most people think it's all in your head. They think you're making it up for attention or you're depressed, or whatever other odd excuse they can come up with. I had a conversation with my mother shortly after I was diagnosed (she's been a nurse most of my life) and she said that this is a diagnosis that doctors give when they don't know what is wrong with you. I've had plenty of blood tests and physical tests done, had MRI's done on my back and knee/hip, had X-Rays done on my knee. The hard part seems to be convincing people that this is a real thing.

 

I have never had so many medical appointments in such a short time as I have since the March of this year. I've had to drive to Landstuhl every couple of weeks for a several month time span to see different people, got new medication to try to the insomnia and the pain, and had several vials of blood drawn. In the middle of June I have to go to Fort Eustis, Viriginia for an in-depth medical exam for my MEB and discharge.

 

May 12th is Fibromyalgia Awareness month (which I unknowingly missed) and the awareness ribbon is purple (just like Relay for Life).

 

Like I said this past Saturday, although I've had this pain for years, I am just starting my journey to a better life. I want to document that journey here. Mostly for myself, as a way to remember and look back at what I've gone through; but also partially in hopes that maybe some day I can help someone else who is just starting to go through this same journey. We have to know that we're not alone. Here in my unit- I am alone in my diagnosis- but I know that I am not truely alone. I have found some new-to-me bloggers who are going through different stages of Fibromylgia and it's helped me out. It's what has convinced me to write about my journey (since it's such a big part of my life now).